Bad Art Ideas: Toilet Seat Wreath

I’m all for abstract art but I think there has to be a limit. For me, that limit is a Christmas wreath made from a toilet seat. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are far worse holiday offenses out there like adults dressing up like pink bunnies, putting out cookies for fat reverse burglars and the worst offense – putting up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving.

The toilet seat wreath, however, still ought to be considered at least a minor offender.  For one thing, it’s too obvious. It’s basically already a wreath. All you’re doing is hot gluing tacky things to it.

I get it, people think it’s funny to put something associated with defecation on their door or wall. Who wouldn’t want to be known for that? But just like bad posts on social media could cost you a future job, bad decorations at Christmas can cost you the respect of, well, everyone.

No, no, no and once again – NO!

Just Say No To Holiday Leap Frog

I try not to get annoyed at too many things in life. Annoyances, left unchecked, tend to make people miserable. But there are a handful of things that still really get to me. One of those things is the displaying of Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving.  We play up Halloween as if it’s a real holiday and then start throwing up the lights and plastic reindeer before the sugar rush has even begun to wear off. I understand why stores skip Thanksgiving. They haven’t figured out how to make money from it (yet). But let me here plead with my neighbors and anyone reading this to forgo tossing up the tinsel until after Thanksgiving. Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. But Thanksgiving is a close second. It’s a great time to get together with family and friends and show our gratitude to God for providing us with so much in our lives. But too often it gets ignored until that fateful Thursday when we stuff ourselves with food, watch a football game and then go to sleep early. It’s no wonder that we give the day such short shrift though. There’s no build-up, no anticipation and no backing by all those people playing holiday leap frog by putting up Santa knickknacks the day after we celebrate evil, death and mayhem. To these people I say: take a cold shower and rid yourself of the urge to dilute one of America’s finest days for celebrating all we have.  

Oh, Today’s a Holiday?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how holidays in the US have shifted so radically to be meaningless. What were once celebrations of people and events of meaning and consequence have turned into excuses to eat and drink to excess. 

Today is Saint Patrick’s Day. Saint Patrick’s Day has historically been a celebration of the life and work of Patrick, a 5th century Christian missionary and Bishop in Ireland. But if you asked most people today who St. Patrick is, they’ll probably tell you he was an Irish Brew Master or something. For most, this holiday is merely an excuse to drink green beer and eat corned beef. Grocery clerks wear stupid, tiny, glittery top hats and threaten to pinch anyone not wearing green. I’m considering making a line of t-shirts. The first one will be some color other than green. It will say “A punch for a pinch” or something to that effect.

Look at any of our major holidays and you’ll see the same pattern. On Easter we now celebrate rabbits that poop chocolate eggs. How do we celebrate this? By making our kids search for plastic copies of the chocolate scat while the adults eat ham and scalloped potatoes and drink too much wine. Thankfully, most people don’t color their wine green.

Thanksgiving’s become nothing more than a frenzied marathon for cooking a glut of carbohydrates and hormone injected turkeys. Then we eat way more than we know we should but still wash it all down with any beer containing the word fall, wheat or ale in the name.

Christmas now consists of cookies smeared with food coloring, lots of candy and presents that nobody needs or wants after January first. Oh, an you should start drinking hard liquor because, you know, it’s cold outside.

I know I sound bitter. I’m really not. I love the holidays. I just wish we would (as a society) pay a little more attention to the real meaning behind them. That, and stop pinching people.